- A Patriarchal Marriage: Wife Submits and Husband Rules
- A Matriarchal Marriage: Husband Submits and Wife Rules
- No one Submits and the couple live parallel lives, perhaps with some shared interests.
- Both Submit and find their centre in the other.
Which of these best describes Paul's model for marriage? Lets have a look.
You see, the structure of this passage is instructive. There are three pairs of complimentary instructions. Have a look at it in your Bibles with me. Verse 18:
Col. 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands,… Col. 3:19 Husbands, love your wives…
That's the first pair of instructions. Then the next pair is in verses 20-21:
Col. 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything,… Col. 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children…
Then the third pair of instructions starts in verse 22:
Col. 3:22 Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything
And its compliment is 4:1:
Col. 4:1 Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair
Each relationship has a reciprocal set of responses. And notice that each relationship takes place not in isolation but in connection with God. Look back again in your Bibles at the framework within which Paul places each of these relationships. Verse 18:
Col. 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Verse 20:
Col. 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Verse 22:
Col. 3:22 Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything… [with] reverence for the Lord.
And 4:1:
Col. 4:1 Masters,… because you know that you also have a Master in heaven.
Each of these relationships takes place with reference to the Lord— not in isolation, not in a vacuum. It is our relationship with God that is going to impact and change the way that we engage with our spouse, our children or parents, and our work colleagues. We begin equally, in the Lord, in Christ, as we engage in all of these relationships.
Let's unpack that a bit more. Is a parent more or less valuable than a child? Neither—in the eyes of God they are of equal value. In the same way, the husband and the wife are equally loved and esteemed before God. The same is surely true of the slave and the master: God sees both as of equal importance. All are reconciled sinners. He loves them all the same. If they are Christians, Christ is in them and they in him. There is no difference in status or worth or honour[7].
So each partner in these relationships is equal to the other; yet the wife is called to submit to her husband, the children are called to obey their parents and slaves to obey their masters. Each of the three relationship pairs here implies an ordering, a structure, a way of working within absolute equality. Wives submit, children and slaves obey, Husbands love and Masters provide; yet all are equal in Christ[8].
And it's no surprise that we see this pattern of relationship throughout the bible because it is the same kind of relationship we see in the godhead. Jesus, God the Son is equal to God his Father in glory, sharing the very essence of his being, and yet he willingly submits himself to the Father's will in his role as the Incarnate Saviour[9]. That's also what Philippians 2:6-8 is about:
Phil. 2:6 [Christ Jesus]… being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross![10].
Now, says Paul, in a parallel way in Christian marriage, the same is true of husband and wife.
So God's model for Christian marriage has wives and husbands equal and yet different. They have different roles and will express their devotion to God and their spouse in different ways. That's why the passage has pairs of instructions to each party in the relationship.
God's model for marriage Col 3:18-19
OK, that's the basics. Let's get specific. Let's talk first about God's model for Christian marriage. One of the difficulties we face with this passage is its brevity. Imagine sitting down to write a book entitled, "Everything you'll ever need to know about being happily married" and then finishing the whole book in just 19 words. That's what Paul has done here. Paul writes:
Col. 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
I call this a suitcase teaching. It's a kind of shorthand way of getting lots of big bible ideas all packed up and compressed so that they're easy to carry around, but to be really useful the suitcase needs to be unpacked. Every so often we need to unpack the contents, straighten them out and freshen them up so that they are useful. So here we go with the first pair of instructions from the suitcase—God is concerned about the whole relationship in totality, not just one side of it. That's why the instructions come in pairs.
Wives
OK, verse 18: wives first. Submitting here literally means to appoint yourself under your husband. The opposite of the word to submit is to resist[11]. Submitting to your husband means that you do not resist his leadership, you don't refuse his initiative, you don't undermine his efforts to love you—feeble or ardent as they may be. As your husband takes the initiative and responsibility for your welfare, don’t resist; encourage him. Build him up and support him. Gently let him know how to love you. Help him communicate with you. As is fitting in the Lord, submit to him as he submits himself to your best.
Something else to notice here is that the instruction is to the wife and not the husband. It does not say, 'Husbands make your wives submit to you'. The wife is asked to voluntarily submit herself under the leadership of her husband, as to the Lord: both as a act of worship to the Lord and as though her husband was her Lord.
The reason for the wife's submission to her husband is because God has ordered the marriage relationship in this way. It's not because the husband is better or stronger or smarter. It's because that's the way that God has established his order in creation. In Christian marriage, the man is not superior to the woman in any way. They are equal in value and status before God, but their roles in the relationship are different.God's model for marriage says that just as Jesus submitted himself to the Father, so the wife submits herself to her husband, for their common good.
By the way, wives, if your spouse is not much interested in sharing God's model for your marriage this is going to be difficult. My suggestion is to try to talk through the way your marriage works, to see if together you want to make some changes. If that doesn't work or becomes too difficult, I would encourage you to try to hold up your side of the relationship as far as you can without compromising your faith, your personal safety or your sanity. Let's talk together more about this later if you wish.
Husbands
OK, Husbands, listen up because it's your turn now. Verse 19 tells us to love our wives and not be harsh with them. Sounds simple, but lets look at the way Paul unpacks that suitcase in Ephesians 5:25ff. I'll read it out again:
Eph. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself… 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,..
You see, this is not some kind of star-struck namby pamby love that wavers depending on whether I’m feeling all gooey inside towards my wife. This is the kind of intentional, passionate and masculine love that led Jesus to put aside his glory as the Son of God, and be sacrificed for the sake of the Church. This is the kind of love that drives the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the Creator of Heaven and Earth to humble himself even to the extent of becoming human. And not just any human; a servant: a servant who willingly bore responsibility for our sins. Though rich beyond measure, he became poor; though holy beyond our knowing, he became sin for us.
So Husband while your wife places herself under your headship in this ordered relationship, your role is to completely give yourself up for her. Whatever headship means in theory, this is what it does in practice.Follow Jesus' example on the cross.
For the Christian husband, certain things follow:
- My wife is more important than my mates;
- My wife is more important than my job;
- My wife is more important than my boat, than the wallabies and the world cup.
- I communicate this by the way that I allocate my time and my attention: I am accountable to my wife in the way that I spend my time.
Loving your wife, just as Christ loved his Church looks like this. They are analogous relationships: as Christ is for the church, so the husband is to be for his wife.
Husbands, this love begins with our wills. We determine that we will do whatever it takes to promote the welfare of our wives—whatever it is that will present her pure, holy and blameless before God.
If Christ is our model, we see that love means taking the initiative, it means taking responsibility for our marriages and our marriage partners. When there is conflict, it is your job to ensure that it is well resolved. You might not come up with the ideal solution to every conflict situation— your wife might be blessed with a few good ideas too— but your role means that you are responsible to keep working at it until a win/win is found. However planning and decision making works in your relationship, you are to ensure that it happens well, that it is working for your mutual benefit.The Marriage Course that we are running, beginning May 1, will give you some excellent practical help in these areas. I commend it to you.
Real headship will call forth your wife’s maturity in Christ and communicate her equality with you. Remember that you are equal and yet different.James Houston, a well known Christian author, says that he can tell a lot about the true state of a man’s life by the smile on his wife’s face.
Husbands, can you see what this kind of love really means. If our wives' submission calls them to put us ahead of them, this kind of love does exactly the same and more so: not only do we submit ourselves to our wife's very best, we are to give up our lives the way that Jesus did for the whole church.
[Can you see that God's model of marriage is really a model of mutual submission?[12] We both submit to one another, and husbands we are reminded to do this in love. The other person is to become our centre of attention, the centre of our affections, the centre of our sense of achievement and fulfilment. Paul is saying that 'other-person-centredness', for the sake of Christ, governs all our closest relationships. You win when you give up your selfishness. You win when you give up your time, your leisure, and your aspirations for the other person.
And when you feel like singing, 'What about me? It isn't fair. I've had enough, now I want my share…' that's when you need to look to Jesus for inspiration and strength. We are fundamentally selfish; it's part of our fallen nature. That's when you need to remember that he gave himself up for you[13]. Our motivation to live this way is Jesus himself: that's why the passage has those three phrases, 'as is fitting in the Lord', 'for this pleases the Lord', and 'with reverence for the Lord'. He is our motivation when it's tough.
For those of us whose partner may not be a Christian or who may refuse to pursue this model of marriage, let me say again, try to hold up your side of the relationship as far as you can; without compromising your faith, your personal safety or your sanity. Try to discuss it with your spouse. You don't have to be a Christian to try to live God's way, although it sure helps. We all need his empowerment everyday. Remember, this is a model of relationship, a way of relating; it is not condemnation or judgment. It's not there to say, 'I told you so.' Paul is saying, "Here are the maker's instructions: 'other-person-centredness', for the sake of Christ, is the way to go."
Parents and Children Col 3:20-21
Now just a couple of quick comments for parents and children. Have a look at verses 20-21 again:
Col. 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Notice the difference between the wife's model of submission and the child's instruction to obey. To obey implies that a specific order or instruction has been given. Submission is more a way of living that doesn't require commands or directions.
So in terms of authority, the child is to obey whatever instructions their parents give them; even if they don't agree.
Of course, there are at least two problems with this. 1. The kids aren't here listening to these wonderful words of wisdom; and 2. even if they were listening, it would still be our role as parents to help them do it. Yes, our role is to provide the instructionsas well as to train them in the carrying out of the instructions.
You see, that's why there is the complementary instruction to Fathers in verse 21: don't embitter your children. Don't lead them to exasperation. Don't be so hard with them that they despair of ever pleasing you. Don't nag them until they just throw their hands up and wonder how they'll ever satisfy you. Dads, your role is help them get it right. You're on their side. Choose your words carefully. Encourage don't tear down.
So here is God's model for family and work relationships. The basic principle is other-person-centredness for the sake of Christ. We put others first as is fitting in the Lord and with reverence in our hearts for him.
This is the basic first principle, from which you can begin to work on the rest. Can I suggest that the way you might best start working on the rest is to do the Marriage Course, beginning May 1.
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[1] And if we've experienced great pain in marriage and family relationships, then we might be easily offended that Paul says anything at all to wives and husbands, and to children and parents. The passage does also talk to slaves and their masters, which does give us some insights into our workplace relationships. Slave/Master relationships in Paul's day were slightly different to our workplace relationships, although the way some employers treat their employees, maybe not that different. We will only consider such relationships briefly.
[2] August 2001, but figures from September 2005 seem to be fairly similar.
[3] SMH, November 16, 2005 "Divorce the way of the future" by David Dale.
[4] See Christianity Today survey from 1992 found at www.christianitytoday.com.
[5] It is true that slave/master relationships were much closer to being 'family' relationships in Paul's day. Domestic slaves commonly shared their master's homes and become part of the 'extended family' and so were considered part of the Christian household. Paul's companion letter to Colossians is the letter to Philemon, a slave-owning Christian in Colossae.
[6] Context
Col 3:1-17 calls us to change so as to live out who we really are. We are the people who have been joined to Christ in his death, burial, resurrection to life, and ascension to rule God's kingdom—we are now seated with Christ in the heavenly realms, our true lives hidden with him (3:1-4). So because of this reality, we are to put to death our old ways; taking off the ways of sin and putting on the new clothing of Christ-like character. This change that God calls us to is quite specific and practical.
That's why Paul says;
Col. 3:12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
This is the way that we are to live together. Our relationships in the community of Christian faith are to display these characteristics. Why? Because we are all together united with Christ—we are, whether we like it or not— his body. If we are a Christian, we are joined to Christ, and if we are joined to Christ, we are joined to one another. It is in this sense that we can say to be a Christian is to belong to the church. A person who claims that they are a Christian but that they do not belong at church, they don't need the church, they don't like the church; they are denying their basic connection to Christ.
So like it or not, we are together the community of Christ and our relationships really ought to display that: clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with one another, forgiving as we have been forgiven. And over all these virtues we put on love.
So here is a basic description of the way our relationships in the Christian community ought to reflect the reality of our being with Christ, united with him; and he dwelling in us in the person of his Holy Spirit.
Because God's work of transformation is for every part of our lives, not just our church community lives but our home lives as well, Paul now applies this same principle of Christian living to our home lives: our marriages, our families and our slaves. And since not many of us have any slaves, we do well to think about our work relationships—verse 22 and following would seem to apply to these relationships fairly readily. So this passage prompts us to look at three sets of relationships: wives and husbands, children and parents, and slaves and masters (or employers and employees).
[7] Col 3:11.
[8] So we can say that husbands and wives, parents and children, masters and slaves are equal but different. They have different roles, different parts to play in the relationship; yet they are equal.
[9] Within the Godhead, the Father and Son are equal in essence but in function, the Son is subordinate to the Father. 'Headship' means functional subordination (alone) in 1 Cor 11:3. They have different roles without loss of status
[10] OT Background to this is found in Gen 2:18
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
'Helper': does not imply lower status since God is the 'helper' of Israel (compare Gen 2:18 with Ex 18:4, Deut 33:29) Walkte says 'helper' "does not mean ontological superiority or inferiority. The word helper, used for God 16 of the 19 times it appears in the OT, signifies the woman's essential contribution, not inadequacy." Bruce Walkte, Genesis: a commentary (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2001) 88.
Walkte further footnotes:
The OT and the NT affirm this structured dependant relationship of men and women: (1) in the OT a woman may serve as a prophetess but not a priestess; (2) the relationship of the Godhead is Father, Son and Spirit, not Parent, Child, Spirit; (3) in the NT all the apostles were men; (4) as presented in 1 Cor 11:3-16, the wife is to the husband as the husband is to Christ and as Christ is to God; (5) 1 Pet 3:16 reminds women that Sarah called Abraham 'master' in her self-talk (Gen 18:12).
'Suitable' in Gen 2:18 means in Hebrew 'equal and adequate'. Men and women differ in sexuality but are equal as bearers of God's image and in their standing before God.
[11] James 4:7 shows the direct contrast of submit and resist. Literally it reads, 'appoint yourself under God and appoint yourself over the devil' translated, 'submit yourself to God and resist the Devil.'
[12] Cf Eph 5:21
[13] When you got married you promised to do the same for your spouse:"For better, for worse; for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live (From the Anglican wedding service in An Australian Prayer Book, 1978).
